A Very Akatsuki Halloween
by Athrna
Summary: Tobi is new to Akatsuki. He is set to make a big impression to the rest of the members on their first meeting. Halloween. A gruesome meal, C3, gay porn star? Let's go! Mature humour and strong profanity warning. Crack-fic. 2014 Halloween one-shot.


Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. Copyright to Kishimoto Masashi. Hey! The manga is finally coming to an end. Honestly, if he drags on any longer, I might give it up.

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><p><strong>A Very Akatsuki Halloween<strong>

Taking Sasori's place in the organisation, Tobi had a different approach than the other members of Akatsuki. He had a too lively personality that just didn't suit the image of a deadly criminal enterprise. It hadn't been long before the Artist Combo was renamed.

The Comedy Combo.

Tobi was one happy chappy and often made his partner very snappy. The first week into his life of being a member of Akatsuki, the perfect opportunity came to give his fellow thugs a full-Tobi-treatment.

31st October.

There was a schedule for a full attendance meeting to commemorate Tobi's joining. He was trying very hard to get everybody to like him. To do that, he decided to get everyone in the organisation to celebrate the festive occasion.

Pain and Konan were first to arrive at the rendezvous point to see puppets hanging on the ceiling. More specifically, they were from Sasori's puppet collection. Filling the emptied inn with spider webs, the corridor was dim, but they could make out the glowing orange thing at a distance. A huge pumpkin. As they walked closer, they noticed the paedophilic grin that was carved upon it. The lighter-coloured flesh oozed out to make a long, snaky tongue and the eyes were squinted in luring curves. That facial resemblance was instinctively recognisable.

It looked like Orochimaru.

Konan shuddered at the uneasy feeling, hiding her discomfort. She had never had good memories of that slimy man. In their first encounter, Orochimaru wanted to kill them. Later when they met again in Akatsuki, the Sannin took an abrupt exit because he had failed to steal a young man's body… Whatever that meant… Konan walked on with her pierced corpse of a love interest, currently controlled by the ex-third wheel, the mind of her present companion. She kept a straight face.

"What is the meaning of this, Tobi?" the leader asked. He pointed all around him. Konan made her way to sit down by the sofa after brushing off the dust on the surface.

"I'm paying tributes to my senpai in my combo before me," the man wearing the orange-spiral mask replied. "One has left and the other's dead."

Zetsu emerged from the earth. The black side said in a raspy voice, "You don't have to." The white side followed up, "We're a bunch of homicidal maniacs, not really a gang of respectful figures in society."

They fell into silence when Tobi went to the kitchen. Attempting and failing to hum a spooky melody, Tobi was preparing the evening meal in happy-go-lucky mood. Itachi and Kisame entered to see the other members looking very annoyed. They joined them and put their fingers in their ears to minimise Tobi's loud and pitchless singing.

Another two voices were getting louder as the footsteps were getting closer.

"I'm missing my daily prayer for this shit," Hidan complained. He walked into the room to find the others. He looked pissed. "I can't be fuck if not for leader's order."

That was said in front of Pain.

Kisame snickered quietly at the lack of subtlety in the complaint.

"You won't die from _not_ stabbing yourself one less day," Kakuzu spoke mockingly.

The so-called religious man couldn't die, anyway. Not even when he was bleeding a river.

"We're late because you wanted your bounty," Hidan said, twitching his face into a look of distaste. He couldn't stand his partner's obsession with money just as Kakuzu could not stand his sentiment with experiencing pain.

"Gay porn star."

That was all Kakuzu needed to say. Hidan seemed the type to take enjoyment out of extreme sexual practice. He would so be the one taking the submissive role.

"I'm straight. Impotent asshole!"

"Shut it or I'll cut your vocal chords," the elderly man warned unsympathetically. He was just old and not interested. Not impotent.

Kisame held in his laughter, Konan sighed with a shake of her head and Itachi stared at the arguing pair impassively.

"Calm down, you two," Pain cut in. "Dinner is soon when Deidara is back."

Hidan looked around to find the blonde kid's absence. "Why's he late? He's supposed to be with the newbie."

No one answered. They lapsed into silence. Hidan took that time for a short session with his Jashin ritual. In the middle of the room, he stabbed himself flat with the tripe blades of his spear. Lying on the circle of the religion symbol he drew with his own blood, his eyes turned blank in the ecstasy of agony.

Everyone ignored the weirdo in the middle.

Kakuzu counted notes he had got from the bounty station to double check the amount. Pain sat unmoved despite a few flies that were irritatedly rattling round his rotten flesh. Konan looked around the decoration with the slightest movement of her head. Kisame stared at Hidan intensely, looking curious at the pain-lover. Zetsu ate the flies buzzing around. Itachi was reading reviews on a food magazine to look up garment cafés to visit in his spare time, glancing up time to time with his Sharingan activated to watch the others.

When the table was set, everyone seated in the dining hall. They were still waiting for Deidara.

The table was filled with strange looking dishes.

For starters, it was vomit-looking spiced pumpkin soup with ladies' fingers and men's toes bread sticks. For a side dish, there was a nest of salad that looked like leaves and worms. For dessert, there was a choice of spider web cupcakes that were presumably made of icing, candy floss and chocolate, or a piece of a cake taking a convincing disguise of a purple serpent. However, the highlight went to the edible skeleton lying across the table.

The main course: roast BBQ sauced flavoured ribs being lined up with the puppet head of the deceased member, while intestines like pan-fried sausages filled in the lower half.

There was a tag at the side.

_RIP. Sasori of the Red Sand._

They knew that wasn't Sasori, but they couldn't help but to feel weird about eating 'Sasori'.

Tobi walked around to pull blood like red wine into everyone's glasses. Deidara made it in time just before they started eating. He was sweating across his forehead and looked very fatigued.

"Where the hell have you been, Deidara-_chan_? We're all waiting for you," Hidan cursed. He scooped up some soup to taste it.

"DON'T DRINK THE SOUP!" Deidara shouted hurriedly just when Hidan was about to put the spoon in his mouth.

Everyone froze.

"Is there a problem?" Konan turned her head slowly and asked.

"I don't know what Tobi put in the pumpkin pie I ate earlier. I kept throwing up the entire afternoon." Deidara lifted his eyebrow when he saw the soup. The colour. The texture. _It_ looked rather familiar.

Suspicious.

Pain gave the Uchiha a nod. Itachi took his portion to his eye level. Instead of directly smelling the sample, he wafted the scent to his nose. It smelled normal; it could be because a lot of spices were used to cover up the odour. He then took the table salt in his hand and generously sprinkled in the smooth blend.

If the soup was Deidara's vomit, the acidity would neutralise to the salt.

No babbles. No changes. No reaction.

It was normal. Just a bowl of soup. The colour and viscosity just happened to look like some smoothly blended vomit.

"Eh?"

Deidara was very confused. Tobi was gathering his vomit in a cooking pan when he was vomiting. He said that he couldn't find another container at the time. Knowing Tobi for only a few days, Deidara had learned his new partner's love for pranking.

Kakuzu poked around the dishes using the set of cutleries to serve food. They all eyed each other and agreed that they looked unnervingly gruesome in many levels, while they were all definitely food. Tobi could just be an amazing cook. He was, without doubt, a master baker. That snake looked disturbingly like Manda, Orochimaru's boss summon.

"Happy Halloween, Deidara-senpai!" Tobi cheerfully greeted. "Art is a Prank. Trick or treat?"

This cheeky newcomer did this to make a fool out of him. He had to exploit his motto, too. _Art is an Explosion!_ Unforgivable for shaming him.

"Trick!"

Deidara threw a C2 at Tobi. The masked man flew out like a shooting star.

When everyone had finished their meal, Tobi made his way back. Out of courtesy, Konan saved a portion of food for Tobi at the side. While she didn't eat any dessert, Itachi was the only one who chose to slice a piece of Manda-cake over the spider cupcakes. Everyone else thought between the two, even the two options looked just as realistic, it made them feel better about eating spider than that grumpy snake.

They were eating dessert and drinking more wine. Itachi was the only one who didn't touch a sip of the alcohol. He was suspicious of the drink since Kisame and Hidan kept downing glass after glass. Hidan was known to be an alcoholic, but Kisame wasn't.

"The wine tastes really good. What's it made of, Tobi?" Kisame was helping himself with another serving.

"Blood," Tobi answered openly.

"That's why it tastes _so_ good," Hidan gulped down his glass and stabbed himself with a kunai. His eyes rolled back to unfold the whiteness.

"…un…" Deidara grunted with that nasal utter of nonsense habitually.

The young adult was getting tipsy. He had no idea what he was agreeing to. After a friction of delay, he realised.

"… WHAT?" Deidara yelled and hit the table in rage. He felt so disgusted that he felt like vomiting again just the thought of it.

"And the chocolate spiders are real spiders dipped in chocolate sauce," Itachi pointed out tonelessly.

"Why the fuck tell us now, Red-eyes?" Hidan spitted out the all-chewed cupcake and washed his mouth with wine. He was fine with blood. Not spiders!

A bit on the crunchy side, but it tasted good. If they didn't know, it'd have been fine.

"They aren't poisonous," Itachi added.

"Trick or… trick?" Tobi asked playfully.

When Kakuzu was clearing his throat and rinsing his mouth with water by the sink, Deidara sent Tobi flying away again.

With C3 this time.

_"Senpai-tachi! Happy Halloween!"_

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><p>AN: Happy Halloween! Liked it? Review please. :D


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